unfaithful???

so... pretty much anyone who knows me knows that i have this internal struggle with "my faith": what it is and what it "should" be. if you'd no idea, consider yourself (now) privy to my outlook.

i don't subscribe, per se, to all the literal teachings of the bible. however, i was raised in the Lutheran Christian church. now, that said, i have no clue what separates lutheran from baptist from episcopal from pentecostal to whatever. i was never taught and never had the hankering to research and educate myself on the differences. with respect to religion (period) i only know the "basic" differences between the "major" world religions (islam, judaism, or the like). personally, i feel like it would be arrogant (and totally obnoxious, might i add) of me to assume my beliefs are the end-all-be-all and that anyone who thinks otherwise needs to be "converted" in order to be properly prepared for "judgement." sidebar: let the record show that i'm extremely hesitant to even discuss my view point at times because i'm so fearful that it may seem as if i'm attacking or belittling someone else's beliefs. now THAT would be disrespectful if that were my intent and would speak to the exact arrogance i live life trying not to exude.

carrying on... so, yeah... can't get with the bible. it's such a fantastic literary work. but that's just it... it's TOO fantastic (as in the definition of the word). i'm so much of a practical, scientific-minded, cynic to believe those things happened. aside from that, i feel that the version that i've come to read (admittedly, i've never read it cover to cover but i've read some... geez) has traversed so many countries, languages, and individuals that it's hard to accept it's current interpretation as "the truth." does the game "whisper down the lane" ring a bell here? you KNOW how f*cked up your message gets by the time it comes full circle. so throw a few language changes in there and it's gotta be even worse! nothing ever translates literally from language to language. c'mon. i've never been to mosque or the synagogue either but i'm willing to bet i might feel the same about the torah and the koran :\ (who knows)

this is all on one hand (so to speak). on my other... i believe i am a very spiritual person. i guess i (in part) subscribe to religion in general as i find truth and value in a lot of the underlying lessons; those that speak to developing a virtuous self, handling interpersonal relationships, developing a "productive" progressive community, etc. furthermore, i believe that there is order in everything that exists (e.g. "everything happens for a reason"). i don't claim to know why or how come whilst i choose not to explain the inexplicable by a default omnipotent, omniscient "god." i know karma is real, i believe the miracle of birth (in any genus, species, or what have you) is awe inspiring, and the behavior of our universe is almost surreal. i don't necessarily believe in happenstance is what i'm getting at.

so how does one, who thinks/feels all these things, NOT claim a religion? *shrugging my shoulders* i guess that's why i'm asking... am i unfaithful... am i faithless? i don't think so. clearly. but, i went to church this past weekend (YES! at my mom-mom's request) and the sermon was interesting. it was the typical, black church stuff... singing, holy ghosts, shouting, ultra-animated preacher... the whole nine. it was provocative, moving at times, and made me very introspective as the whole "moral" of the sermon spoke to the "frantic & faithless community." The frantic who would not be so frantic if the community came back to the church. I buy it in one respect because he talked about the home, taking ownership for your home and the rearing of your children so that you may become productive, law-abiding citizens, yata yata. i get that and TOTALLY agree. i was really feeling it all (obviously overlooking the constant references to "jesus as [my] lord and savior") and was even moved almost to tears a few times UNTIL that oh-so-judgemental tone overcame the message of the (now unscripted) preacher. right then and there the tears dried up, i shook my head, the glowy-eighties-video-effect was instantaneously lifted, my hand went on my hip, and i heard myself in my head yell out the most sistah-fied "uh unh, no he didn't!" see... that right there is exactly why i can't get with institutionalized religion and "the church."

i dunno... i guess i should just do me. but, if it is true that there is a book of life and i ain't in it 'cause i'm not "saved"... it's really gonna suck! especially considering i feel like i'm doing everything in my power to "live right" on this planet during my tenure here.

monkey wrench in my thought process: there was a point in the sermon when the preacher asked us to hold hands with our neighbors (my sister to my left and my brother to my right). So i did. no biggie. he then asked us to bow our heads in prayer. did that. the prayer culminated with his request for us to hug our neighbors in efforts to thank them for being miracles in our lives. i turned to my left to hug my sister first (jokingly because she's 13 and i KNEW she'd get all squeamish) and out of no where i virtually had the wind knocked outta me by my brother emphatically hugging me from behind! i gave my sister the superficial hug i'd set out to give her and turned (still in his embrace) to properly return the hug to my brother as i kissed the top of his head. now, what in the world could make a 7-year-old hear the preacher's request, comprehend it and (without hesitation and so innocently) give such an authentic hug to show that he considered me to be one of his miracles and to show so much appreciation??? it made me smile all over... i was warm... i was comforted.