am i...

an ass for not attending all the black staff stuff that happens on campus? or how 'bout the black alumni stuff at hopkins? i feel like i'm not reaching back these days and that i'm too wrapped up in my own isht. selfish much, chantele? geez. where's my motivation, "caesar?"

(quick... what movie is that from??)

point of inquiry

providence would not put more on me than i could handle, right?

my thinking is that the answer is, "no." couple that with the fact that no one (as of late) has made any choices FOR me and that they have all been my own. so, that said, i should be cool with the decisions i make, right? right. if i'm strong, sound, and rational enough to use/make "better judgements" i should be strong and sound and rational (throw confident in there too) enough to deal with said choices and/or decisions.

that's what i thought.

p.s. a co-worker just hipped me to a new mantra... "you did it... own it... fix it." imma have to go 'head and adopt that one for a minute. a few of us out there might consider doing the same.

go figure

my stomach hurts :( we're on day 3 of that bs.

and the broad that works next to my cube at work (the one that believes she's the smartest thing since newton) just said "subsideraries"... not "subsidiaries!" tell me that shit ain't hilarious?!?!?

was reminded of this song today

I would dig a hole all the way to China
Unless of course I was there
then I’d dig my way home
If by diggin’ I could steal the wind from the sails of the greedy men who ruled the world
Still you’re my best friend
And after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’...
Dreamgirl...

I was feelin’ like a creep
As I watched you asleep
Face down in the grass,
in the park, in the middleof a hot afternoon
Your top was untied
And I thought how nice
It’d be to follow the sweat down your spine
You’re like my best friend
Aww after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’...
Dreamgirl...

Caught by a wave
my back to the ocean it knocks me off my feet and
just as I find my footing
here you come again
Dreamgirl...

Dave Matthews

now if only it were reality :\ one day soon...promise ;)

i'll be fucking radiant!

just sent a message to a friend who is beautiful through-and-through (i keeps a harem of 'em if you ain't heard) and i was commenting on her aesthetic & outward beauty. she referenced (what she believes to be) mine. then it hit me... i'm workin' on too many things internally... too many ugly things right now to possibly exude any thing like a "beauty." i definitely need to "get right" and when i do... well... you caught the title.

ain't it tha truth

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
- Mary Wilson Little


oh... and two things:
1. discovered a new word... "proviso." cool huh?
2. m-w.com has a snazzy new look :)

*aaaaand scene*

looking forward to...

ooo... thanksgiving dinner
getting my emotions in order
shit... gettin' my everything in order
performing again
unspoken connection
painting my walls to cover the puppy paw prints
omg! decorating
finding the money to do the aformentioned

~time out~ marvin gaye's "got to give it up" just started playin on my itunes *doing the snake... moving my hips.... snappin' my fingers* "ooo... move it up... turn it 'round... shake it down..."
my bad ~time in~

the GMATs... NOT!!! really just getting them over with
going to atl
moving to houston (don't ask)
a mediterranean cruise
introduction to familiar scent

~fuck~ now it's counting crows... i'm not in the mood for somber-esque-ness

words unsaid
the truth for a change (didn't realize it was so much to ask)
being fine, warm

p.s.

i liked his first one. but i'm on robin thicke's new one HARD y'all!!

thanks, mike :D

and lawd clawd... eye candy ain't the word.

double thanks to ya.

gotta love my alma mater :\

this that isht that always brings it back for me. Here is an e-bulletin from the president of the Society of Black Alumni. (I'll try to find something perhaps less biased and more "official" in other news blurbs so you guys don't just get my pissed off point of effin' view)

Dear fellow Johns Hopkins graduate:

Over the weekend, a very disturbing incident occurred on the Homewood campus. As president of the Johns Hopkins University Society of Black Alumni, I thought you should be aware of the situation, the facts as I understand them, and how the university is responding.

On Saturday, October 28, the Sigma Chi fraternity sponsored a party entitled "Halloween in the Hood," purportedly hosted by the late Johnnie L. Cochran. Decorations outside the fraternity house included a plastic skeleton dressed as a pirate hanging from a noose. Partygoers were asked to wear "regional clothing" from Baltimore, which was itself described as "the hood" or "the HIV pit." The "regional clothing" that was suggested included "copious amounts of so-called bling bling, ice ice, grill [sic], hoochie hoops, white Tee's and Air Force Onez."

Moreover, other language viewed as offensive by black undergraduate students was posted on the college social networking website Facebook.com. The invitation was ordered taken down by the university's Greek Life representative on Friday, only to reappear later with even more offensive language. After learning this on Saturday evening and discovering that the event had proceeded, the Greek Life office decided to shut the party down. Before the party was closed, several black students went to see firsthand what was going on and found it so offensive that many returned in tears.

On Sunday, October 29, there was a meeting of the Black Student Union to plan a course of action in response to the Sigma Chi event. On Monday morning, October 30, the black students began a protest in front of the Charles Street entrance to the university and in front of Garland Hall. It is my understanding that the protests are expanding, and that all students have been invited to wear blue ribbons evidencing support for the Black Student Union's protest.

In response to Sigma Chi's actions, the university immediately launched an investigation aimed at determining whether the fraternity and/or any of its members violated university policies. Pending the results of this investigation, the activities of Sigma Chi fraternity have been suspended. I am also informed that the national chapter of Sigma Chi has expelled at least one former member of the Johns Hopkins chapter in the wake of this incident.

On Monday, October 30, the university held an open forum for students and other members of the university community to allow discussion of these events. The black students used the forum to vent their overall frustrations with the Hopkins experience, with the consistent themes being:

1. The feeling of racial hostility on campus

2. A lack of student body diversity

3. The paucity of black faculty

President Brody initially issued a statement denouncing the actions of the fraternity, which you can read at: http://www.jhu.edu/news_info/news/home06/oct06/frat.html

Last night, President Brody issued a second statement in which he outlined a new set of Principles for Ensuring Equity, Civility and Respect for All at Johns Hopkins. You can read the statement at: http://www.jhu.edu/news_info/news/univ06/nov06/statement.html

The SOBA Executive Committee applauds the university's swift reaction to the incident.

wtf?!?! funny part is i JUST had a facilitated conversation last night in dance rehearsal about how prevalent racism still is and how there are rose-colored glasses wearin' folk are out there preachin' about how racism is on a decline. MY ASS! the company is developing new, race-related work. mind you, the company is very diverse. the task at hand was to speak to one another about our frustrations with race relations and the like in order to fuel the "hate" that portions of the piece will depict. provocative... i know... awkward... definitely! relevant and necessary... you bet your sweet hind parts. i can't wait to see how it pans out. the work that is. i already know how this hopkins shit will play out.

pssh.

(chain email) food for thought

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain be idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

inveterate and crabwise

it's 'cause of the former that i'm pretty sure that 1) i (recently came to the conclusion) genuinely want a family and 2) that i'd be nothing if it weren't for the efforts of others.

the latter is more of a consequence; a culminating wreckage of my life as we speak. wonder when (not if) i'll be right-sided. i sure hope it's soon 'cause my one arm has fallen asleep :\

salt

~How can you lose your song?
When you have sung it for so long?
How can you forget your dance, your dance
When THAT dance is all you ever had?
It must be, it must be true
You can’t SEPARATE THE TWO you can’t It’s impossible to do JUST like the salt in the stew
Oh my, it’s all A part of you
One thing that life cannot do
Life can’t do it NO It can’t take your song from you
So when life brings a chance, a chance
For you to give your part, TO give your part away
Don’t just stand there FEELING scared
Don’t be afraid
'Cause there could be a treasure right there
Now listen, listen to THE truth It does not matter, doesn’t matter what TO do
Still gonna BE you Just like the salt in the stew
...it’s all A part of you
And one thing, the one thing that life cannot do
...can’t do it NO It can´t take your song from you
Life can’t take it, you DON’T give it
Life can’t take it
It can´t take your song from you~

-lizz wright

truths (reiterated for me lately)

• karma
• what you sow you are destined to reap
• that which you put into the universe will surely be returned to you
• when you play with fire (dumb ass) you will undoubtedly get burned!

unfaithful???

so... pretty much anyone who knows me knows that i have this internal struggle with "my faith": what it is and what it "should" be. if you'd no idea, consider yourself (now) privy to my outlook.

i don't subscribe, per se, to all the literal teachings of the bible. however, i was raised in the Lutheran Christian church. now, that said, i have no clue what separates lutheran from baptist from episcopal from pentecostal to whatever. i was never taught and never had the hankering to research and educate myself on the differences. with respect to religion (period) i only know the "basic" differences between the "major" world religions (islam, judaism, or the like). personally, i feel like it would be arrogant (and totally obnoxious, might i add) of me to assume my beliefs are the end-all-be-all and that anyone who thinks otherwise needs to be "converted" in order to be properly prepared for "judgement." sidebar: let the record show that i'm extremely hesitant to even discuss my view point at times because i'm so fearful that it may seem as if i'm attacking or belittling someone else's beliefs. now THAT would be disrespectful if that were my intent and would speak to the exact arrogance i live life trying not to exude.

carrying on... so, yeah... can't get with the bible. it's such a fantastic literary work. but that's just it... it's TOO fantastic (as in the definition of the word). i'm so much of a practical, scientific-minded, cynic to believe those things happened. aside from that, i feel that the version that i've come to read (admittedly, i've never read it cover to cover but i've read some... geez) has traversed so many countries, languages, and individuals that it's hard to accept it's current interpretation as "the truth." does the game "whisper down the lane" ring a bell here? you KNOW how f*cked up your message gets by the time it comes full circle. so throw a few language changes in there and it's gotta be even worse! nothing ever translates literally from language to language. c'mon. i've never been to mosque or the synagogue either but i'm willing to bet i might feel the same about the torah and the koran :\ (who knows)

this is all on one hand (so to speak). on my other... i believe i am a very spiritual person. i guess i (in part) subscribe to religion in general as i find truth and value in a lot of the underlying lessons; those that speak to developing a virtuous self, handling interpersonal relationships, developing a "productive" progressive community, etc. furthermore, i believe that there is order in everything that exists (e.g. "everything happens for a reason"). i don't claim to know why or how come whilst i choose not to explain the inexplicable by a default omnipotent, omniscient "god." i know karma is real, i believe the miracle of birth (in any genus, species, or what have you) is awe inspiring, and the behavior of our universe is almost surreal. i don't necessarily believe in happenstance is what i'm getting at.

so how does one, who thinks/feels all these things, NOT claim a religion? *shrugging my shoulders* i guess that's why i'm asking... am i unfaithful... am i faithless? i don't think so. clearly. but, i went to church this past weekend (YES! at my mom-mom's request) and the sermon was interesting. it was the typical, black church stuff... singing, holy ghosts, shouting, ultra-animated preacher... the whole nine. it was provocative, moving at times, and made me very introspective as the whole "moral" of the sermon spoke to the "frantic & faithless community." The frantic who would not be so frantic if the community came back to the church. I buy it in one respect because he talked about the home, taking ownership for your home and the rearing of your children so that you may become productive, law-abiding citizens, yata yata. i get that and TOTALLY agree. i was really feeling it all (obviously overlooking the constant references to "jesus as [my] lord and savior") and was even moved almost to tears a few times UNTIL that oh-so-judgemental tone overcame the message of the (now unscripted) preacher. right then and there the tears dried up, i shook my head, the glowy-eighties-video-effect was instantaneously lifted, my hand went on my hip, and i heard myself in my head yell out the most sistah-fied "uh unh, no he didn't!" see... that right there is exactly why i can't get with institutionalized religion and "the church."

i dunno... i guess i should just do me. but, if it is true that there is a book of life and i ain't in it 'cause i'm not "saved"... it's really gonna suck! especially considering i feel like i'm doing everything in my power to "live right" on this planet during my tenure here.

monkey wrench in my thought process: there was a point in the sermon when the preacher asked us to hold hands with our neighbors (my sister to my left and my brother to my right). So i did. no biggie. he then asked us to bow our heads in prayer. did that. the prayer culminated with his request for us to hug our neighbors in efforts to thank them for being miracles in our lives. i turned to my left to hug my sister first (jokingly because she's 13 and i KNEW she'd get all squeamish) and out of no where i virtually had the wind knocked outta me by my brother emphatically hugging me from behind! i gave my sister the superficial hug i'd set out to give her and turned (still in his embrace) to properly return the hug to my brother as i kissed the top of his head. now, what in the world could make a 7-year-old hear the preacher's request, comprehend it and (without hesitation and so innocently) give such an authentic hug to show that he considered me to be one of his miracles and to show so much appreciation??? it made me smile all over... i was warm... i was comforted.

i'm not...

completely sewn up yet :\ just realized that last night.

________ of the day

definition: braggadocio - empty boasting.
quote: "I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. - Mitch Hedberg
random thought: i want a jackie wilson cd... luckily there's a gift waiting for me!
weather: 71 deg and rainy :(
mood: :\
hankering: macaroni and cheese, sitting on mom-mom's lap, or those black, peep toe pumps for which i've been hunting. ooo... or performing. and a hug. (guess that's hankeringS, huh?)
coolest thing: my uncle called me just to say "hi" "he was thinking of me" and "he loves me"! how cute and heart-warming was that?!?!

the dork in me :\

so a co-worker (*assuming* she's not the one who stole my tea) has introduced me to the Mission Statement Generator at dilbert.com and i think the shit is hilarious (which speaks to my total dorkdom, unfortunately). on the bright side, D-N & MC should enjoy this as well so i'm not alone in this (lol).

have a blast with it!

today: "We efficiently supply value-added sources to allow us to seamlessly engineer mission-critical services"

P.S. excellent read! (note the "comment"ary as well)

uber pissed

... 'cause an anonymous co-worker of mine took my nectarine-flavored white tea out of the effing office refrigerator! *heated beyond belief*

white wine and/or orgasm(s)

(singly or coupled) are sure fire ways to get a good night's sleep :P

your dose

why in the damnit hell does mr effin t have a reality show coming out called "i pity the fool"? 'cause apparently "in every city, there's a fool to pity." lol. first "flava of love" now this mess. i'm soooo waitin' for barack obama's reality show to premiere. but, in our true fashion, black folks'll send that to the neilson rating graveyard after the pilot :\ ah well. i give up.

ALSO... missed my first trash day (at my new digs), discovered i sorta kinda like the rascal flatts, and absolutely dislike xhibit's new song about concentration (i can flow better than that! shheeeeiiit).

oh, and, my first modern class is tonight :\