why oh why

(these are the questions i found myself asking myself today...)

10:37 am
...did this lady come to my desk smelling like absorbine jr. and jean nate?? pew/pugh
...the hell did i go to gay bingo last night... and have fun?!?! (the number caller dude was the most hilarious queen... but then again... what queens aren't funny?)
11:16
...do i seriously like that "fergie ferg" song? it really is a banger isn't it?!

preach!

"This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I'm made of stone
So I won't end up with no broken bones
I can't fight every battle alone

I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard

If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song

whomever said love was overrated
must not be gettin' none
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin' day is done
I just want to come home to someone

I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard

If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song"

oddest thing

lately, i've been waking up at obscene hours in the morning. i'll be in a nice, deep sleep... i'll rollover to adjust... and BAM... the thoughts start plowing through my head and they just won't freakin quit! i mean i'm wide awake thinking about all the drama & chaos that consumes me these days. i'm stressin' about work and home and occasionally random thoughts make their way into the mix. anyhow, i'm up for hours on end and that shit is a major blower when you have to get up at 6 am for work! it's been going on for like two weeks... saturdays and sundays too! one morning this past week i was so wide awake that i friggin blogged at 6:02 am! wtf?!?!? maybe this is an overshare and a half but i have a fool proof way to get some quick shut eye when all else fails ;P lol...

while i complain about the idle time, it does serve as a good time to reflect uninterrupted. i usually do A LOT of reflecting in my car to, fro', and about. but my road rage is outta control and all it takes is for one asshole to piss me off and the reflection period goes out the window and i'm blown for the remainder of the commute. but early morning reflection is therapy at times. just two days ago i realized how rare it is that i tell those really important people in my life how much they mean to me. wednesday morning's installment won my aunt lynn a 5 am email gushing about how unbelievably awesome i think she is. i mean, i'm in the dark, crust in my eyes, breath stankin' typing a mushy email to her thanking her for being in my life. it was peace.

so, everybody watch out... if you suddenly get random correspondence (be it email, text, voice message, or straight up phone call) at 4 am in the near future... let this serve as your warning :\ at least you'll understand why and just MAYBE you won't curse me the hell out! (lol)


mwah!

i like/love...

hugs from behind coupled with soft neck kisses
edy's cookie dough ice cream
watching my mom-mom hand dance to "jimmy mack" with my uncle
a gentle hand on my knee when we're riding in the car
stilettos... stilettos... and more stilettos (lol)
when my little sister calls me to shoot the shit
when my little brother acts like he doesn't care that i've come home to visit
jane monheit (that white girl can blow)
when a man is a man and takes care of his (or someone else's) kids
women
occasional solitude
other pisces
(admittedly) compliments... even though they make me uncomfortable. weird right?
macaroni and cheese
unconditional love
my new mac (uber cute)
the scent behind your partner's ear
spooning
conscious hip-hop
rosa passos
(omg) surprises!!!!!
(to be continued)

in other news... one of my best friends is initiating an artistic movement y'all! and..... she's asked me to be a part of the executive counsel (so to speak). talk about humbled, honored, and flattered all in one! i'll keep you posted about said movement as more details unfold. but, rest assured, i'm mad excited. "boosted" even (for my pg heads). she's gonna absolutely hate me for putting her on blast but f-it... she can't beat me! okay, maybe she can but still... i'm grown and imma do it anyway. PLUS, i just happen to think she's brilliant... check her out!

butting up against anger (...finally)

i'm developing a "zero tolerance" for folks that cower and lie and/or mislead others. no matter the mechanism; be it by omission, direct deceit, or the like. i just can't stand it!!! tell me the fucking truth! don't lie to me! don't hide from me! don't play me or others against one another (yourself included)... ya know?!?!

i guess my short-coming is the fact that my personal governance deems everyone 200% trustworthy until they show me otherwise. but that only seems to get me knocked sideways most of the time. i HATE being blind-sided/sighted (??). i HATE it! i DON'T like being unprepared for things. i DON'T like loosing my footing. and i especially DON'T like it when folks know that about me and prey on the shit. while i live my life being accommodating and trying to find the good in folks and being so concerned with the well-being of others... don't push me.

holla back, "bitch"

p.s. i'm still groovin, y'all. don't worry.

"i don't talk about whippin' nobody's ass 'til the bridge."

life is...

good. i'm chillin. still an emotional work i progress but learning, healing and all that jazz. i'm pretty excited about recent events but i'm a super cynic and i hate getting excited about or talking about things before they actually come to fruition for fear that they may not. but, keep your fingers crossed out there for me :) i do ask a lot of you guys in doing so but i need all the positivity i can get. let me know if i can ever return the favor for you!

mmmm.... i think that's all i got today. i need to speak on the times that i'm feeling groovy just as often as the times that i'm not, dig?

peace be your day

who knew?!?!

note to self:

black folks CAN & DO peel after direct, prolonged exposure to the sun (i.e. deliberate tanning)

end note

i had...

an amazing time this weekend. omg! absolutely phenomenal.

you'd think i spent the entire weekend in the turks and caicos or something. NO! i did an overnight trip to o.c. maryland. big woop, right? oh... you don't know the half. it took me 4.5 hours to get from bmore to ocean city! traffic was off the chain. at any rate, i met my family down there and i haven't seen this part of my fam for a minute let alone spent that much time with them. we used to go to o.c. all the time when i was a kid so it was so nostalgic to be there with them again after years of hiatus. it was so amazing because it was just so comfortable... overwhelmingly familiar. since i moved back to md 4 years ago, i just have had such a disconnect between who i am and where i live. i'm such a philly girl... my whole family is still there and i just miss it soooo much. i've never truly been able to settle into a life here. ask kai and mikeSee how often i used to rip up 95 on the weekends (lol). i actually found comfort and "home" for a sec in my relationship. that became my familiar comfort zone away from home. now that that's dissolved, i feel so homeless again and it makes me sick to my stomach. but this weekend made me sooooo happy cause i got to have a smidgen of comfort and familiarity. i was so sad to leave them and i cried damn near the whole ride back to bmore. but, i was so thankful to love a group of people so much and so grateful to know that that "familiar" will always be there for and in me.

so "great weekend" is an understatement. bonus: i got a tan! hot damn!

crossin' over?

alright so i think i'm about to make the switch, y'all! no... not in the way you think! that'll never change for the most part ;) i mean i'm thinking of getting a mac. i'm really feeling the macbook. i never thought in a million years that i'd be that enticed by the aesthetics and practicality of mac to switch from the ever-freezing, virus-prone pc. but alas, i'm pretty sure it will be my fall gift to myself.

there... i've officially delivered my random thought for the day.

mwah!

for my women's lib and "famlee" sistas...

how cute is this?!?! A friend of mine sent this to me in an email and it was a knee slapper. cheers!

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little girls:

Once upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes , bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so.

anybody...

...know who's gonna be at september's jazzy summer nights in bmore?? anyone wanna go?

i haven't heard live music in a while and i think it'll be refreshing *sigh*

blast from the past (this that ish i be talkin' 'bout)

almost a year ago to the day, i received this email (from my subscription of the Daily Om) in my inbox. funny how i stumbled across it today in the midst. happy reading :)

"While we may not recognize it at the time, every challenge we face is ultimately an opportunity to bring more love and higher consciousness into our lives. The obstacles we encounter every day - whether great trials or minor bumps in the road - provide us an opportunity to learn and to grow. By placing obstacles in our path, the universe focuses our attention on life lessons that, on a deeper level, we wish to comprehend more fully. If we choose to, we can view any disharmony in our daily lives as an invitation to shed an old belief or behavior pattern in favor of a more enlightened one. The challenge is to recognize the lesson being offered by a given situation. Often we learn about a positive quality by experiencing its opposite. An impulse toward anger may teach us about love or acceptance. A sense of constraint may teach us about freedom. A situation that appears beyond our control may prompt us to discover our own role in its creation. The lessons presented to us may encourage us to develop soul qualities such as humility, patience, or forgiveness. Sometimes we are too involved in our present difficulty to find that higher perspective is more easily recognized in hindsight. Yet this doesn't mean we are without the tools to deal with it. Regardless of the size and nature of your difficulty, an attitude of love and gratitude will move you through it more easily and bring resolution more quickly. When difficulties arise, hold a loving thought for yourself and for whoever else is involved. Challenge yourself to find something in the situation to be grateful for, no matter how small, and thank the universe for it. This shift in attitude will shift the situation and your perspective, and it will bring you closer to that deeper understanding your soul is seeking on your behalf. Life lessons don't always come packaged the way we expect them to, and it is sometimes these lessons that ultimately bring us the greatest joy."

from the Daily Om 09/06/05

no title

okay i promise... one day my posts won't be so melancholy. but, i'm using this space as an outlet for my <fill in the noun form of an emotion> in which i'm currently living.

anyhow... as much as i rant and rave and praise duality when everything is smooth sailing, i should at least be consistent and praise it just the same when life isn't going "my way." but alas, i found myself cursing it this morning. i guess it was just my turn to get the other side of the coin. it's gonna be hard but i'm gonna have to just endure this, find purpose in it, accept it so that in due time i will enjoy the moon's other phases. underdig? or, am i lunchin'?

in other news... the suggestion has been thrown out there for me to find "distraction." while i agree in part ... i feel like distraction will just displace what i need to experience right now (no matter how negative the experience may be). displacing doesn't mean the feelings go away... they just get set aside and who wants this crap lingering around idle? i'd rather get it out of the way...wouldn't you? now let me define distraction as it's been advertised to me. I could start dancing again, take up a hobby, or fill my social calendar to the brim. and then there's the proverbial rebound/void-filler option. Now, dancing i could stand to get into again. that's totally constructive and i love to do it so why not? hobbies are just not my thing. can you see me knitting or some shit like that? hell-to-tha-naw, bobby! and i've never really been one to have this jumpin social life but maybe it's time i make an effort.

one thing i'm NOT interested in is the rebound option.

• for one, i just lost an amazing chunk of what my life has been for the past 4 years. duh! if you sliced your hand open and there's a big gaping (sp?) cut, you don't just fill it with apple butter (cause you just tasted some, you remember lunchtime in kindercare, and you really love the nostalgia of it) and wait for it to get better. dummy... you want it to heal not get infected and fall off! to me, sounds like your prolonging the ordeal (i.e. the pain of loss)
• second off, how fair is it to the reboundee to get caught up in my bullshit by putting themselves out there on account of me when i have no other motive than to use them as a distraction? there's this notion that as long as everyone in the group is aware of what's going on that it's cool. nah! not buyin today.
• and c) frankly the idea repulses me. i've tried to imagine myself getting close to/intimately involved with another and it makes me want to puke. i'm still dealing and "in-loving" and what-if-ing and (admittedly) still too attached. it feels like cheating almost. ugh!

i say all that to say... i know nothing definitively... i have no concrete course of action planned... there's no method i endorse. i guess i'm just gonna be and see what happens.

p.s. while i know it's part of my journey to maturity... i sure hate this wearing your emotions on the outside shit. i know one day i'll come to appreciate it and be unapologetic for it but right now, it's for the f-ing birds!

i'm...

inside out today. that's the only way i know how to describe myself.

whew!

you all will never believe the morning i've been having. finally a breakthrough!!

one thing that was no different than any other morning of recent weeks... i cried. but, for a change, this time i was elated! i mean really overjoyed. i could finally see light peeking at me from the future. i mean, it ain't close but the fact that i could see it filled me with so much relief and i took (what felt like) the biggest sigh of my life. for a split few seconds (lol) i wasn't bitter, i wasn't sad, i wasn't judgmental or resentful. i was so grateful for being me and doing me the way i do and i wasn't sorry in the least bit! it was so amazing.

now... i'm far from healed and i don't have all the resolve i'll have in months to come. but, i could see the tide going back out. you know when it's like 5:32 in the morning and the sun is JUST making it over the horizon and the sand is still wet from when the tide came in full-force the night before? my sand is still wet and there's evidence that hurt/sadness/whatever has left its mark... but the pain is subsiding. the quiet is deafening and the water is receding and relaxed. aw, man! tell me that ain't peace, y'all!

i'm finding gratitude and i'm thanking order for allowing me the opportunity to

• give so much without expecting
• be more honest and authentic than i've ever been before
• loving so completely and unconditionally

the next time i fall imma close my eyes and hold my arms out just the same.