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okay i promise... one day my posts won't be so melancholy. but, i'm using this space as an outlet for my <fill in the noun form of an emotion> in which i'm currently living.

anyhow... as much as i rant and rave and praise duality when everything is smooth sailing, i should at least be consistent and praise it just the same when life isn't going "my way." but alas, i found myself cursing it this morning. i guess it was just my turn to get the other side of the coin. it's gonna be hard but i'm gonna have to just endure this, find purpose in it, accept it so that in due time i will enjoy the moon's other phases. underdig? or, am i lunchin'?

in other news... the suggestion has been thrown out there for me to find "distraction." while i agree in part ... i feel like distraction will just displace what i need to experience right now (no matter how negative the experience may be). displacing doesn't mean the feelings go away... they just get set aside and who wants this crap lingering around idle? i'd rather get it out of the way...wouldn't you? now let me define distraction as it's been advertised to me. I could start dancing again, take up a hobby, or fill my social calendar to the brim. and then there's the proverbial rebound/void-filler option. Now, dancing i could stand to get into again. that's totally constructive and i love to do it so why not? hobbies are just not my thing. can you see me knitting or some shit like that? hell-to-tha-naw, bobby! and i've never really been one to have this jumpin social life but maybe it's time i make an effort.

one thing i'm NOT interested in is the rebound option.

• for one, i just lost an amazing chunk of what my life has been for the past 4 years. duh! if you sliced your hand open and there's a big gaping (sp?) cut, you don't just fill it with apple butter (cause you just tasted some, you remember lunchtime in kindercare, and you really love the nostalgia of it) and wait for it to get better. dummy... you want it to heal not get infected and fall off! to me, sounds like your prolonging the ordeal (i.e. the pain of loss)
• second off, how fair is it to the reboundee to get caught up in my bullshit by putting themselves out there on account of me when i have no other motive than to use them as a distraction? there's this notion that as long as everyone in the group is aware of what's going on that it's cool. nah! not buyin today.
• and c) frankly the idea repulses me. i've tried to imagine myself getting close to/intimately involved with another and it makes me want to puke. i'm still dealing and "in-loving" and what-if-ing and (admittedly) still too attached. it feels like cheating almost. ugh!

i say all that to say... i know nothing definitively... i have no concrete course of action planned... there's no method i endorse. i guess i'm just gonna be and see what happens.

p.s. while i know it's part of my journey to maturity... i sure hate this wearing your emotions on the outside shit. i know one day i'll come to appreciate it and be unapologetic for it but right now, it's for the f-ing birds!