here she go

"Hi Chantele,


It is possible that there was a mismatch in the audition and perhaps you should be at a higher level than that in which you were placed. If you feel this is the case I recommend that you attend the first class at the level and time in which you were placed and talk with the teacher about moving up.....she will be able to tell more easily then the audition if it is an inproper fit and she will let you where to move to after the first class. Thanks and sorry for the confussion.

(president)"

mm hmm

updates and such

so...first things first... I GOT A HOUSE, Y'ALL!! bringin' it back... settlement was yesterday morning and i will finally be moving (tomorrow) into my own space since my separation. i think at that point i will feel like i can officially start my new, revised chapter. it feels great, scary, and exciting all at the same time. whew! cocktails at MY place after i get settled!

up next... why the hell did my "old" ass go and audition for the dance company at my job this past weekend?!?! lemme back up even mo'. i work at a college (for those of you who don't know... which there really shouldn't be anyone who doesn't considering the only folks who read this know me outside of blog land... i digress). the students on campus have an organized dance company and they held these pseudo-auditions to join. i say "pseudo" because everyone (whos ever been to a really intense audition) knows that you normally have to learn some insanely difficult routine in 9.5 seconds, regurgitate it at performance level PLUS come prepared with some 'ography of your own. not to mention the resume and head shots that are a requirement. nah... this joint... you just had to show up, learn about 4 counts of 8, execute it in a group with like 3 other people, and wait to be placed in a class level appropriate to your skill set (got that snazzy "buzz word" from my boy, mike...holla!) i'm figuring, since they're not cutting anyone, i don't have to be a student to participate. right? right. in addition, i've been complaining about needing to take classes but not having the money. this company operates pretty much so like any other company of which i've been a part; you continually take classes while piling rehearsals on top of class schedules when performances are approaching yata yata. so, i can get some free classes outta the deal. even if they turn out to be not-so-challenging, i can move around in some nice studio space for free. right? right.

NOW...all that said, can i just set the scene fo' ya? thaaannks. right so, all the chil'rens in this audition have the sloppy, sorority girl ponytails, nude tights, short shorts with "dance" across the ass, and using the word "like" between every pertinent word of their sentences. ugh! anywho, no one gets cut at these auditions and all levels are welcome. fine. that's beautiful to be all-inclusive and what not. but how can you effectively "place" folks if you haven't given material to reflect the varying levels of skill that you've solicited. in each audition installment i attended (tap, modern, & "hip-hop"), the choreography was very basic, very beginner (MAYBE intermediate at best). this is turning into the longest set-up of my life so i'll just cut to the chase... i placed in advanced modern (okay technique displayed) and advanced "hip-hop" (lawd... that mess of an audition is another entry altogether... lmao. just picture "bring it on" classified as hip-hop. n-e-wayssss) get this... a bitch was placed in beginner tap!!! wtf?!?! i'm a fucking tapping, beastly genious! (lol) okay... so i'm not nearly anything like that but i don't think i'm THAT much of a novice :\ this 'ography that they made us do at the audition was straight Rockettes (less the kicks, turns, complexity and all-around entertainment value) and they placed me in the beginner class. why did i email the president of the company and say:

"(president):

I attended the dance company auditions this weekend. I just looked at the posted placements and I'm interested in attending a different class than the one in which I was placed. In particular, I was placed in beginner tap. However, I'm more interested in taking the advanced class. Should I just attend the class that I prefer or do I need to audition again?

Thanks,
Chantele"

Everyone, meet the diplomatic, politicin', wanna save face at work chantele. now, SW philly chantele may have executed said correspondence as follows:

*tap tap tap on (president)'s shoulder... pointing at the posted placement sheet*

"um... bitch please! where the hell the advanced class at b'fo' i have ta slap'shit out of you?"

and you damn right i woulda left some words, verbs, and conjugations out! (lol) WHAT?!?!

we'll see how it goes down and imma keep you guys posted about how my stint with the student dance co is going. there's soooo much more to this story that i can't even type right now. i'm blown just thinking about it all over again.

favorite question (posed to me) of the weekend: "are you a freshman cause i've never seen you around before?"

at least i can still be mistaken for an 18 yr old :\

laterrrrs

lmfao!

"they ain't got a smidge percentage of the diva stank (in a good way!) you got. [they] smells it on ya :) "

-one of the infamous "3D" (i ain't been inducted yet...lol)

wanna know what is...

obnoxious: popping gum and/or chewing with your mouth open... ugh!
priceless: long hugs
expensive: GAS!
tasty: chocolate gelati
annoying: arrogance, insubordination (damn you, herman), negative energy
sexy: confidence
admirable: strength and humility are tied (in my opinion)

just things that moved me in one direction or another today.

bises

don't sleep on the kid

so the jury (namely, me) is back on b's "b'day". i never expect much lyrically from her. there are some bangers though if you can get past the fact that she talks about her financial status the whole time. one main theme i'm feeling though (especially these days) is the notion of the single, self-sufficient, collar-poppin, modern chick doin the damn thing! (i have to high-five her on that one) anyone who knows me in the least bit knows... i ain't THAT chick... but i'm workin on it. the message is reassuring and motivating and all that good stuff. much like india was my solace a few months ago... this joint right here'll have a bitch noddin' her head like, "damn shame... i (amongst others) was sleepin on myself." remember that post from a minute back ("uh anh...") when i was so "derailed"? well, a broad's on the road to getting back on her a-game... making herself... well... herself again. stay tuned.

"takin' care of home and still fly... that's a good look..."
-bk

truth: i swear we musta co-wrote #10

pssst... thanks d-n. i hear ya voice in my head whenever i feel like i ain't "enough".

...

(you know how i do) so, here's my random-esque-ness for the week:

• i'm having a blast
• i think my brother is the CUTEST thing ever
• i miss my mom... go figure
• did i mention i'm having a blast?
• excitement about (dare i say it) the new house is setting in
• got my birfday shoes on today
• i must admit that i will purchase beyonce today :\
• i have an overwhelming hankering for italian today (lol)... y not?
• is it me, or is it hot in this office today? i'm betting the former :P (buaahaha...not!)
• i haven't had rita's in like a week! wtf
• i had a very interesting debate about abortion with my roomates last night. didn't realize how much my perspective has evolved since i last debated the topic...back in high school when i was a rallying, bra-burning, bleeding liberal.

maybe later...

going home

i had the best time last night. sidebar: lately, i've been really thinkin' i'm grown and stayin out later than usual on nights that i normally wouldn't. but rest assured, providence gives me a swift kick in the ass the next morning as a reminder that i ain't the young, whipper-snapper i once was (lol). anyways, i spent the evening with lots of pinot grigio, yummy vittles, great music, and (virtually) divine company. oh... it was awesome! the plan for the rest of the weekend is to stay pretty busy and ultra entertained. it's been a minute since i had some what of a social life. didn't realize how much i missed hopping from town to town, one circle of friends to another... fun fun fun with all the kindsa lovin mixed in. i wish i had my darned camera to give you guys the recap on monday. shoot! but, alas, it's packed away at "the house" (as i so affectionately call it).

randomness for the day...

i love my doggie. i kiss his forehead (for lack of a better term), scratch his belly, and take things out of his mouth that he's not suppose to be eating (just like a friggin baby man!). i like his stinky, outside, wet dog smell. i love when he rests his head on my foot while i'm in the middle of doing something and i don't wanna move cause he's so "stinkin cute" (damn you, bee). the heavy sigh is hilarious... like he's really been doing something besides sleeping and eating all day (lol). i wish i could see him everyday :\ i'm so afraid he will forget who i am one day. *my heavy sigh*

why oh why

(these are the questions i found myself asking myself today...)

10:37 am
...did this lady come to my desk smelling like absorbine jr. and jean nate?? pew/pugh
...the hell did i go to gay bingo last night... and have fun?!?! (the number caller dude was the most hilarious queen... but then again... what queens aren't funny?)
11:16
...do i seriously like that "fergie ferg" song? it really is a banger isn't it?!

preach!

"This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I'm made of stone
So I won't end up with no broken bones
I can't fight every battle alone

I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard

If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song

whomever said love was overrated
must not be gettin' none
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin' day is done
I just want to come home to someone

I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard

If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song"

oddest thing

lately, i've been waking up at obscene hours in the morning. i'll be in a nice, deep sleep... i'll rollover to adjust... and BAM... the thoughts start plowing through my head and they just won't freakin quit! i mean i'm wide awake thinking about all the drama & chaos that consumes me these days. i'm stressin' about work and home and occasionally random thoughts make their way into the mix. anyhow, i'm up for hours on end and that shit is a major blower when you have to get up at 6 am for work! it's been going on for like two weeks... saturdays and sundays too! one morning this past week i was so wide awake that i friggin blogged at 6:02 am! wtf?!?!? maybe this is an overshare and a half but i have a fool proof way to get some quick shut eye when all else fails ;P lol...

while i complain about the idle time, it does serve as a good time to reflect uninterrupted. i usually do A LOT of reflecting in my car to, fro', and about. but my road rage is outta control and all it takes is for one asshole to piss me off and the reflection period goes out the window and i'm blown for the remainder of the commute. but early morning reflection is therapy at times. just two days ago i realized how rare it is that i tell those really important people in my life how much they mean to me. wednesday morning's installment won my aunt lynn a 5 am email gushing about how unbelievably awesome i think she is. i mean, i'm in the dark, crust in my eyes, breath stankin' typing a mushy email to her thanking her for being in my life. it was peace.

so, everybody watch out... if you suddenly get random correspondence (be it email, text, voice message, or straight up phone call) at 4 am in the near future... let this serve as your warning :\ at least you'll understand why and just MAYBE you won't curse me the hell out! (lol)


mwah!

i like/love...

hugs from behind coupled with soft neck kisses
edy's cookie dough ice cream
watching my mom-mom hand dance to "jimmy mack" with my uncle
a gentle hand on my knee when we're riding in the car
stilettos... stilettos... and more stilettos (lol)
when my little sister calls me to shoot the shit
when my little brother acts like he doesn't care that i've come home to visit
jane monheit (that white girl can blow)
when a man is a man and takes care of his (or someone else's) kids
women
occasional solitude
other pisces
(admittedly) compliments... even though they make me uncomfortable. weird right?
macaroni and cheese
unconditional love
my new mac (uber cute)
the scent behind your partner's ear
spooning
conscious hip-hop
rosa passos
(omg) surprises!!!!!
(to be continued)

in other news... one of my best friends is initiating an artistic movement y'all! and..... she's asked me to be a part of the executive counsel (so to speak). talk about humbled, honored, and flattered all in one! i'll keep you posted about said movement as more details unfold. but, rest assured, i'm mad excited. "boosted" even (for my pg heads). she's gonna absolutely hate me for putting her on blast but f-it... she can't beat me! okay, maybe she can but still... i'm grown and imma do it anyway. PLUS, i just happen to think she's brilliant... check her out!

butting up against anger (...finally)

i'm developing a "zero tolerance" for folks that cower and lie and/or mislead others. no matter the mechanism; be it by omission, direct deceit, or the like. i just can't stand it!!! tell me the fucking truth! don't lie to me! don't hide from me! don't play me or others against one another (yourself included)... ya know?!?!

i guess my short-coming is the fact that my personal governance deems everyone 200% trustworthy until they show me otherwise. but that only seems to get me knocked sideways most of the time. i HATE being blind-sided/sighted (??). i HATE it! i DON'T like being unprepared for things. i DON'T like loosing my footing. and i especially DON'T like it when folks know that about me and prey on the shit. while i live my life being accommodating and trying to find the good in folks and being so concerned with the well-being of others... don't push me.

holla back, "bitch"

p.s. i'm still groovin, y'all. don't worry.

"i don't talk about whippin' nobody's ass 'til the bridge."

life is...

good. i'm chillin. still an emotional work i progress but learning, healing and all that jazz. i'm pretty excited about recent events but i'm a super cynic and i hate getting excited about or talking about things before they actually come to fruition for fear that they may not. but, keep your fingers crossed out there for me :) i do ask a lot of you guys in doing so but i need all the positivity i can get. let me know if i can ever return the favor for you!

mmmm.... i think that's all i got today. i need to speak on the times that i'm feeling groovy just as often as the times that i'm not, dig?

peace be your day

who knew?!?!

note to self:

black folks CAN & DO peel after direct, prolonged exposure to the sun (i.e. deliberate tanning)

end note

i had...

an amazing time this weekend. omg! absolutely phenomenal.

you'd think i spent the entire weekend in the turks and caicos or something. NO! i did an overnight trip to o.c. maryland. big woop, right? oh... you don't know the half. it took me 4.5 hours to get from bmore to ocean city! traffic was off the chain. at any rate, i met my family down there and i haven't seen this part of my fam for a minute let alone spent that much time with them. we used to go to o.c. all the time when i was a kid so it was so nostalgic to be there with them again after years of hiatus. it was so amazing because it was just so comfortable... overwhelmingly familiar. since i moved back to md 4 years ago, i just have had such a disconnect between who i am and where i live. i'm such a philly girl... my whole family is still there and i just miss it soooo much. i've never truly been able to settle into a life here. ask kai and mikeSee how often i used to rip up 95 on the weekends (lol). i actually found comfort and "home" for a sec in my relationship. that became my familiar comfort zone away from home. now that that's dissolved, i feel so homeless again and it makes me sick to my stomach. but this weekend made me sooooo happy cause i got to have a smidgen of comfort and familiarity. i was so sad to leave them and i cried damn near the whole ride back to bmore. but, i was so thankful to love a group of people so much and so grateful to know that that "familiar" will always be there for and in me.

so "great weekend" is an understatement. bonus: i got a tan! hot damn!

crossin' over?

alright so i think i'm about to make the switch, y'all! no... not in the way you think! that'll never change for the most part ;) i mean i'm thinking of getting a mac. i'm really feeling the macbook. i never thought in a million years that i'd be that enticed by the aesthetics and practicality of mac to switch from the ever-freezing, virus-prone pc. but alas, i'm pretty sure it will be my fall gift to myself.

there... i've officially delivered my random thought for the day.

mwah!

for my women's lib and "famlee" sistas...

how cute is this?!?! A friend of mine sent this to me in an email and it was a knee slapper. cheers!

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little girls:

Once upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes , bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so.

anybody...

...know who's gonna be at september's jazzy summer nights in bmore?? anyone wanna go?

i haven't heard live music in a while and i think it'll be refreshing *sigh*

blast from the past (this that ish i be talkin' 'bout)

almost a year ago to the day, i received this email (from my subscription of the Daily Om) in my inbox. funny how i stumbled across it today in the midst. happy reading :)

"While we may not recognize it at the time, every challenge we face is ultimately an opportunity to bring more love and higher consciousness into our lives. The obstacles we encounter every day - whether great trials or minor bumps in the road - provide us an opportunity to learn and to grow. By placing obstacles in our path, the universe focuses our attention on life lessons that, on a deeper level, we wish to comprehend more fully. If we choose to, we can view any disharmony in our daily lives as an invitation to shed an old belief or behavior pattern in favor of a more enlightened one. The challenge is to recognize the lesson being offered by a given situation. Often we learn about a positive quality by experiencing its opposite. An impulse toward anger may teach us about love or acceptance. A sense of constraint may teach us about freedom. A situation that appears beyond our control may prompt us to discover our own role in its creation. The lessons presented to us may encourage us to develop soul qualities such as humility, patience, or forgiveness. Sometimes we are too involved in our present difficulty to find that higher perspective is more easily recognized in hindsight. Yet this doesn't mean we are without the tools to deal with it. Regardless of the size and nature of your difficulty, an attitude of love and gratitude will move you through it more easily and bring resolution more quickly. When difficulties arise, hold a loving thought for yourself and for whoever else is involved. Challenge yourself to find something in the situation to be grateful for, no matter how small, and thank the universe for it. This shift in attitude will shift the situation and your perspective, and it will bring you closer to that deeper understanding your soul is seeking on your behalf. Life lessons don't always come packaged the way we expect them to, and it is sometimes these lessons that ultimately bring us the greatest joy."

from the Daily Om 09/06/05

no title

okay i promise... one day my posts won't be so melancholy. but, i'm using this space as an outlet for my <fill in the noun form of an emotion> in which i'm currently living.

anyhow... as much as i rant and rave and praise duality when everything is smooth sailing, i should at least be consistent and praise it just the same when life isn't going "my way." but alas, i found myself cursing it this morning. i guess it was just my turn to get the other side of the coin. it's gonna be hard but i'm gonna have to just endure this, find purpose in it, accept it so that in due time i will enjoy the moon's other phases. underdig? or, am i lunchin'?

in other news... the suggestion has been thrown out there for me to find "distraction." while i agree in part ... i feel like distraction will just displace what i need to experience right now (no matter how negative the experience may be). displacing doesn't mean the feelings go away... they just get set aside and who wants this crap lingering around idle? i'd rather get it out of the way...wouldn't you? now let me define distraction as it's been advertised to me. I could start dancing again, take up a hobby, or fill my social calendar to the brim. and then there's the proverbial rebound/void-filler option. Now, dancing i could stand to get into again. that's totally constructive and i love to do it so why not? hobbies are just not my thing. can you see me knitting or some shit like that? hell-to-tha-naw, bobby! and i've never really been one to have this jumpin social life but maybe it's time i make an effort.

one thing i'm NOT interested in is the rebound option.

• for one, i just lost an amazing chunk of what my life has been for the past 4 years. duh! if you sliced your hand open and there's a big gaping (sp?) cut, you don't just fill it with apple butter (cause you just tasted some, you remember lunchtime in kindercare, and you really love the nostalgia of it) and wait for it to get better. dummy... you want it to heal not get infected and fall off! to me, sounds like your prolonging the ordeal (i.e. the pain of loss)
• second off, how fair is it to the reboundee to get caught up in my bullshit by putting themselves out there on account of me when i have no other motive than to use them as a distraction? there's this notion that as long as everyone in the group is aware of what's going on that it's cool. nah! not buyin today.
• and c) frankly the idea repulses me. i've tried to imagine myself getting close to/intimately involved with another and it makes me want to puke. i'm still dealing and "in-loving" and what-if-ing and (admittedly) still too attached. it feels like cheating almost. ugh!

i say all that to say... i know nothing definitively... i have no concrete course of action planned... there's no method i endorse. i guess i'm just gonna be and see what happens.

p.s. while i know it's part of my journey to maturity... i sure hate this wearing your emotions on the outside shit. i know one day i'll come to appreciate it and be unapologetic for it but right now, it's for the f-ing birds!