the short of it

tranquility has found me. we're dancing a slow, awkward, and unfamiliar samba. but, we're learning each other. hopefully, it'll stay.

happy holidays, my luvs.

mwah!

my overshare of the day

so this morning, tamia was on the steve harvey radio show. wow!!! i forgot how vicious her pipes were/are! omg! she did some old cuts (a capella) and some snippits from a few tracks on her new album (out today). AMAZING to say the least. now, again, the performance was a capella so i don't know what the entire scope of arrangement is like on the album. but, from what i heard, i think imma get it today. itunes... swipe my shit! lol

she sang a verse from a song called "me" and i was in my car crying like a damn baby :'( i could just relate to the lyrics (i guess) and her voice is soooo amazing. folks like her and amel always shock me when i revisit their stuff. i guess it's because they are so overlooked by the mainstream most of the time for the beyonces and (non-singing-ass) ashantis/ciaras. if you ever really listen to tamia or amel or jill... i mean REALLY listen... they are vocal powerhouses! especially live. like spine-tingly vocalists. at least, i enjoy them :\

kai... you got two cents? am i off base here?

any who... you guys sure have been silent out there lately. anything new? what's good? any new year's eve plans to write home about? do tell. else... screw you all :p (j/k... sort of...)

~Love was a former owner, but quiet is renting our house
It seizes my lips from speaking, but forms a sarcastic smile
Suspense now raised one of your eyebrows
You ask me if there's someone else
I replied yes, hell yes
You asked me if it's another man, I said no
You laughed and say is it a woman, I say yeah
Surprisingly you asked for honey's name

And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me

And she told me to tell you to never to hurt me again
Cuz if you haven't heard she's a bad chick
Even though I haven't been, no
Yet and still you try and test me by raisin' an angry hand
Put it down, put it down
I'm leavin don't try and stop me, (no)
I'm late and she is waiting, (yes)
My love for me is too much so I can't stay

And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me
Cuz she's actually formin' a threesome
And I'm happy that I can join them, and
There names are me, myself and I

And her name is me,
She loves me more than you'll ever know
I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love,
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me
She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love,
Gotta choose between you two, and you know
And if I have to choose,
I choose me, me, I gotta go with me~

a few catchings up and anecdotes

(and yes... i said catchings... what?!?!)

first order of business:
"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything. "
- Kurt Vonnegut

i feel this way when my mortgage comes outta my account or i get to experience the joyful (insert sarcastic tone here) side-effects of the decisions i've made "for the better."

next up:
why did a fox news cast guy repeatedly refer to barack obama as an "articulate" and "well-spoken" "young man." wtf?!?! as if he was suppose to be something else. he's a u.s. senator for pete's sake! perhaps his new hampshire visit/speech shoulda went, "o-k-k-k... i'm fit'n ta run fa prez out dis bitch!" furthermore, he's older than my daddy so "young" wouldn't be what i'd use to describe him either. now, with respect to most folks who sit on the senate, he very well may be "young." but i detected that "boy" undertone to it. call me what you want but i know what i heard. damn shame. not a shocker but still a disappointment. then again, we shouldn't be watching fox for news anyways. it's always laced with a one-sided point of view. plus, it's the network that broadcasts "the o.c."

moving on:
i have officially bumped atlanta to the top of my list of "cities to which i want to relocate." so the list is short, but it made it's way to the top. i visited this weekend and had a cool time. last time i visited i was a junior in hs. so that didn't count. this time around i got my grown woman on (as best i know how) and i was enlightened. i must get back there a few more times before i can make it official. i need to check out the famlee scene down there just to seal the deal.

(psst...DN... i got the brochures. lol)
(ms luvjunky, what you got??)

nighty night, my loves. mamma loves ya :)

so...

i didn't sleep well last night. actually, i should say this morning. and here i'm thinking it was a sealed deal. i had this monstrous burger, a nice pint of yeungling, and a bottle of some kinda fruity beer thingy (think "framboise"-esque). full belly and the malt liquor gave me a major case of "the 'itis". i get home and practically plumet into bed and i'm out, right! then, at 3 friggin 49 this morning, i'm up...wired... wtf?!?! i hate that mess. i was determined to fall back to sleep. so i laid there still as a rock tryna lure myself to sleep to the hum of the space heater. and wouldn't you damnit know it... i ain't get another wink of shut eye before it was time to get up?!?! that pretty much blew me this morning.

tonight... i'm trying one of my lack-luster remedies... sleepy time pills :P

otherwise... how is hump day for everyone? do tell (if you are so inclined)

mwah!

am i...

an ass for not attending all the black staff stuff that happens on campus? or how 'bout the black alumni stuff at hopkins? i feel like i'm not reaching back these days and that i'm too wrapped up in my own isht. selfish much, chantele? geez. where's my motivation, "caesar?"

(quick... what movie is that from??)

point of inquiry

providence would not put more on me than i could handle, right?

my thinking is that the answer is, "no." couple that with the fact that no one (as of late) has made any choices FOR me and that they have all been my own. so, that said, i should be cool with the decisions i make, right? right. if i'm strong, sound, and rational enough to use/make "better judgements" i should be strong and sound and rational (throw confident in there too) enough to deal with said choices and/or decisions.

that's what i thought.

p.s. a co-worker just hipped me to a new mantra... "you did it... own it... fix it." imma have to go 'head and adopt that one for a minute. a few of us out there might consider doing the same.

go figure

my stomach hurts :( we're on day 3 of that bs.

and the broad that works next to my cube at work (the one that believes she's the smartest thing since newton) just said "subsideraries"... not "subsidiaries!" tell me that shit ain't hilarious?!?!?

was reminded of this song today

I would dig a hole all the way to China
Unless of course I was there
then I’d dig my way home
If by diggin’ I could steal the wind from the sails of the greedy men who ruled the world
Still you’re my best friend
And after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’...
Dreamgirl...

I was feelin’ like a creep
As I watched you asleep
Face down in the grass,
in the park, in the middleof a hot afternoon
Your top was untied
And I thought how nice
It’d be to follow the sweat down your spine
You’re like my best friend
Aww after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’...
Dreamgirl...

Caught by a wave
my back to the ocean it knocks me off my feet and
just as I find my footing
here you come again
Dreamgirl...

Dave Matthews

now if only it were reality :\ one day soon...promise ;)

i'll be fucking radiant!

just sent a message to a friend who is beautiful through-and-through (i keeps a harem of 'em if you ain't heard) and i was commenting on her aesthetic & outward beauty. she referenced (what she believes to be) mine. then it hit me... i'm workin' on too many things internally... too many ugly things right now to possibly exude any thing like a "beauty." i definitely need to "get right" and when i do... well... you caught the title.

ain't it tha truth

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
- Mary Wilson Little


oh... and two things:
1. discovered a new word... "proviso." cool huh?
2. m-w.com has a snazzy new look :)

*aaaaand scene*

looking forward to...

ooo... thanksgiving dinner
getting my emotions in order
shit... gettin' my everything in order
performing again
unspoken connection
painting my walls to cover the puppy paw prints
omg! decorating
finding the money to do the aformentioned

~time out~ marvin gaye's "got to give it up" just started playin on my itunes *doing the snake... moving my hips.... snappin' my fingers* "ooo... move it up... turn it 'round... shake it down..."
my bad ~time in~

the GMATs... NOT!!! really just getting them over with
going to atl
moving to houston (don't ask)
a mediterranean cruise
introduction to familiar scent

~fuck~ now it's counting crows... i'm not in the mood for somber-esque-ness

words unsaid
the truth for a change (didn't realize it was so much to ask)
being fine, warm

p.s.

i liked his first one. but i'm on robin thicke's new one HARD y'all!!

thanks, mike :D

and lawd clawd... eye candy ain't the word.

double thanks to ya.

gotta love my alma mater :\

this that isht that always brings it back for me. Here is an e-bulletin from the president of the Society of Black Alumni. (I'll try to find something perhaps less biased and more "official" in other news blurbs so you guys don't just get my pissed off point of effin' view)

Dear fellow Johns Hopkins graduate:

Over the weekend, a very disturbing incident occurred on the Homewood campus. As president of the Johns Hopkins University Society of Black Alumni, I thought you should be aware of the situation, the facts as I understand them, and how the university is responding.

On Saturday, October 28, the Sigma Chi fraternity sponsored a party entitled "Halloween in the Hood," purportedly hosted by the late Johnnie L. Cochran. Decorations outside the fraternity house included a plastic skeleton dressed as a pirate hanging from a noose. Partygoers were asked to wear "regional clothing" from Baltimore, which was itself described as "the hood" or "the HIV pit." The "regional clothing" that was suggested included "copious amounts of so-called bling bling, ice ice, grill [sic], hoochie hoops, white Tee's and Air Force Onez."

Moreover, other language viewed as offensive by black undergraduate students was posted on the college social networking website Facebook.com. The invitation was ordered taken down by the university's Greek Life representative on Friday, only to reappear later with even more offensive language. After learning this on Saturday evening and discovering that the event had proceeded, the Greek Life office decided to shut the party down. Before the party was closed, several black students went to see firsthand what was going on and found it so offensive that many returned in tears.

On Sunday, October 29, there was a meeting of the Black Student Union to plan a course of action in response to the Sigma Chi event. On Monday morning, October 30, the black students began a protest in front of the Charles Street entrance to the university and in front of Garland Hall. It is my understanding that the protests are expanding, and that all students have been invited to wear blue ribbons evidencing support for the Black Student Union's protest.

In response to Sigma Chi's actions, the university immediately launched an investigation aimed at determining whether the fraternity and/or any of its members violated university policies. Pending the results of this investigation, the activities of Sigma Chi fraternity have been suspended. I am also informed that the national chapter of Sigma Chi has expelled at least one former member of the Johns Hopkins chapter in the wake of this incident.

On Monday, October 30, the university held an open forum for students and other members of the university community to allow discussion of these events. The black students used the forum to vent their overall frustrations with the Hopkins experience, with the consistent themes being:

1. The feeling of racial hostility on campus

2. A lack of student body diversity

3. The paucity of black faculty

President Brody initially issued a statement denouncing the actions of the fraternity, which you can read at: http://www.jhu.edu/news_info/news/home06/oct06/frat.html

Last night, President Brody issued a second statement in which he outlined a new set of Principles for Ensuring Equity, Civility and Respect for All at Johns Hopkins. You can read the statement at: http://www.jhu.edu/news_info/news/univ06/nov06/statement.html

The SOBA Executive Committee applauds the university's swift reaction to the incident.

wtf?!?! funny part is i JUST had a facilitated conversation last night in dance rehearsal about how prevalent racism still is and how there are rose-colored glasses wearin' folk are out there preachin' about how racism is on a decline. MY ASS! the company is developing new, race-related work. mind you, the company is very diverse. the task at hand was to speak to one another about our frustrations with race relations and the like in order to fuel the "hate" that portions of the piece will depict. provocative... i know... awkward... definitely! relevant and necessary... you bet your sweet hind parts. i can't wait to see how it pans out. the work that is. i already know how this hopkins shit will play out.

pssh.

(chain email) food for thought

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain be idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

inveterate and crabwise

it's 'cause of the former that i'm pretty sure that 1) i (recently came to the conclusion) genuinely want a family and 2) that i'd be nothing if it weren't for the efforts of others.

the latter is more of a consequence; a culminating wreckage of my life as we speak. wonder when (not if) i'll be right-sided. i sure hope it's soon 'cause my one arm has fallen asleep :\

salt

~How can you lose your song?
When you have sung it for so long?
How can you forget your dance, your dance
When THAT dance is all you ever had?
It must be, it must be true
You can’t SEPARATE THE TWO you can’t It’s impossible to do JUST like the salt in the stew
Oh my, it’s all A part of you
One thing that life cannot do
Life can’t do it NO It can’t take your song from you
So when life brings a chance, a chance
For you to give your part, TO give your part away
Don’t just stand there FEELING scared
Don’t be afraid
'Cause there could be a treasure right there
Now listen, listen to THE truth It does not matter, doesn’t matter what TO do
Still gonna BE you Just like the salt in the stew
...it’s all A part of you
And one thing, the one thing that life cannot do
...can’t do it NO It can´t take your song from you
Life can’t take it, you DON’T give it
Life can’t take it
It can´t take your song from you~

-lizz wright

truths (reiterated for me lately)

• karma
• what you sow you are destined to reap
• that which you put into the universe will surely be returned to you
• when you play with fire (dumb ass) you will undoubtedly get burned!

unfaithful???

so... pretty much anyone who knows me knows that i have this internal struggle with "my faith": what it is and what it "should" be. if you'd no idea, consider yourself (now) privy to my outlook.

i don't subscribe, per se, to all the literal teachings of the bible. however, i was raised in the Lutheran Christian church. now, that said, i have no clue what separates lutheran from baptist from episcopal from pentecostal to whatever. i was never taught and never had the hankering to research and educate myself on the differences. with respect to religion (period) i only know the "basic" differences between the "major" world religions (islam, judaism, or the like). personally, i feel like it would be arrogant (and totally obnoxious, might i add) of me to assume my beliefs are the end-all-be-all and that anyone who thinks otherwise needs to be "converted" in order to be properly prepared for "judgement." sidebar: let the record show that i'm extremely hesitant to even discuss my view point at times because i'm so fearful that it may seem as if i'm attacking or belittling someone else's beliefs. now THAT would be disrespectful if that were my intent and would speak to the exact arrogance i live life trying not to exude.

carrying on... so, yeah... can't get with the bible. it's such a fantastic literary work. but that's just it... it's TOO fantastic (as in the definition of the word). i'm so much of a practical, scientific-minded, cynic to believe those things happened. aside from that, i feel that the version that i've come to read (admittedly, i've never read it cover to cover but i've read some... geez) has traversed so many countries, languages, and individuals that it's hard to accept it's current interpretation as "the truth." does the game "whisper down the lane" ring a bell here? you KNOW how f*cked up your message gets by the time it comes full circle. so throw a few language changes in there and it's gotta be even worse! nothing ever translates literally from language to language. c'mon. i've never been to mosque or the synagogue either but i'm willing to bet i might feel the same about the torah and the koran :\ (who knows)

this is all on one hand (so to speak). on my other... i believe i am a very spiritual person. i guess i (in part) subscribe to religion in general as i find truth and value in a lot of the underlying lessons; those that speak to developing a virtuous self, handling interpersonal relationships, developing a "productive" progressive community, etc. furthermore, i believe that there is order in everything that exists (e.g. "everything happens for a reason"). i don't claim to know why or how come whilst i choose not to explain the inexplicable by a default omnipotent, omniscient "god." i know karma is real, i believe the miracle of birth (in any genus, species, or what have you) is awe inspiring, and the behavior of our universe is almost surreal. i don't necessarily believe in happenstance is what i'm getting at.

so how does one, who thinks/feels all these things, NOT claim a religion? *shrugging my shoulders* i guess that's why i'm asking... am i unfaithful... am i faithless? i don't think so. clearly. but, i went to church this past weekend (YES! at my mom-mom's request) and the sermon was interesting. it was the typical, black church stuff... singing, holy ghosts, shouting, ultra-animated preacher... the whole nine. it was provocative, moving at times, and made me very introspective as the whole "moral" of the sermon spoke to the "frantic & faithless community." The frantic who would not be so frantic if the community came back to the church. I buy it in one respect because he talked about the home, taking ownership for your home and the rearing of your children so that you may become productive, law-abiding citizens, yata yata. i get that and TOTALLY agree. i was really feeling it all (obviously overlooking the constant references to "jesus as [my] lord and savior") and was even moved almost to tears a few times UNTIL that oh-so-judgemental tone overcame the message of the (now unscripted) preacher. right then and there the tears dried up, i shook my head, the glowy-eighties-video-effect was instantaneously lifted, my hand went on my hip, and i heard myself in my head yell out the most sistah-fied "uh unh, no he didn't!" see... that right there is exactly why i can't get with institutionalized religion and "the church."

i dunno... i guess i should just do me. but, if it is true that there is a book of life and i ain't in it 'cause i'm not "saved"... it's really gonna suck! especially considering i feel like i'm doing everything in my power to "live right" on this planet during my tenure here.

monkey wrench in my thought process: there was a point in the sermon when the preacher asked us to hold hands with our neighbors (my sister to my left and my brother to my right). So i did. no biggie. he then asked us to bow our heads in prayer. did that. the prayer culminated with his request for us to hug our neighbors in efforts to thank them for being miracles in our lives. i turned to my left to hug my sister first (jokingly because she's 13 and i KNEW she'd get all squeamish) and out of no where i virtually had the wind knocked outta me by my brother emphatically hugging me from behind! i gave my sister the superficial hug i'd set out to give her and turned (still in his embrace) to properly return the hug to my brother as i kissed the top of his head. now, what in the world could make a 7-year-old hear the preacher's request, comprehend it and (without hesitation and so innocently) give such an authentic hug to show that he considered me to be one of his miracles and to show so much appreciation??? it made me smile all over... i was warm... i was comforted.

i'm not...

completely sewn up yet :\ just realized that last night.

________ of the day

definition: braggadocio - empty boasting.
quote: "I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. - Mitch Hedberg
random thought: i want a jackie wilson cd... luckily there's a gift waiting for me!
weather: 71 deg and rainy :(
mood: :\
hankering: macaroni and cheese, sitting on mom-mom's lap, or those black, peep toe pumps for which i've been hunting. ooo... or performing. and a hug. (guess that's hankeringS, huh?)
coolest thing: my uncle called me just to say "hi" "he was thinking of me" and "he loves me"! how cute and heart-warming was that?!?!

the dork in me :\

so a co-worker (*assuming* she's not the one who stole my tea) has introduced me to the Mission Statement Generator at dilbert.com and i think the shit is hilarious (which speaks to my total dorkdom, unfortunately). on the bright side, D-N & MC should enjoy this as well so i'm not alone in this (lol).

have a blast with it!

today: "We efficiently supply value-added sources to allow us to seamlessly engineer mission-critical services"

P.S. excellent read! (note the "comment"ary as well)

uber pissed

... 'cause an anonymous co-worker of mine took my nectarine-flavored white tea out of the effing office refrigerator! *heated beyond belief*

white wine and/or orgasm(s)

(singly or coupled) are sure fire ways to get a good night's sleep :P

your dose

why in the damnit hell does mr effin t have a reality show coming out called "i pity the fool"? 'cause apparently "in every city, there's a fool to pity." lol. first "flava of love" now this mess. i'm soooo waitin' for barack obama's reality show to premiere. but, in our true fashion, black folks'll send that to the neilson rating graveyard after the pilot :\ ah well. i give up.

ALSO... missed my first trash day (at my new digs), discovered i sorta kinda like the rascal flatts, and absolutely dislike xhibit's new song about concentration (i can flow better than that! shheeeeiiit).

oh, and, my first modern class is tonight :\

here she go

"Hi Chantele,


It is possible that there was a mismatch in the audition and perhaps you should be at a higher level than that in which you were placed. If you feel this is the case I recommend that you attend the first class at the level and time in which you were placed and talk with the teacher about moving up.....she will be able to tell more easily then the audition if it is an inproper fit and she will let you where to move to after the first class. Thanks and sorry for the confussion.

(president)"

mm hmm

updates and such

so...first things first... I GOT A HOUSE, Y'ALL!! bringin' it back... settlement was yesterday morning and i will finally be moving (tomorrow) into my own space since my separation. i think at that point i will feel like i can officially start my new, revised chapter. it feels great, scary, and exciting all at the same time. whew! cocktails at MY place after i get settled!

up next... why the hell did my "old" ass go and audition for the dance company at my job this past weekend?!?! lemme back up even mo'. i work at a college (for those of you who don't know... which there really shouldn't be anyone who doesn't considering the only folks who read this know me outside of blog land... i digress). the students on campus have an organized dance company and they held these pseudo-auditions to join. i say "pseudo" because everyone (whos ever been to a really intense audition) knows that you normally have to learn some insanely difficult routine in 9.5 seconds, regurgitate it at performance level PLUS come prepared with some 'ography of your own. not to mention the resume and head shots that are a requirement. nah... this joint... you just had to show up, learn about 4 counts of 8, execute it in a group with like 3 other people, and wait to be placed in a class level appropriate to your skill set (got that snazzy "buzz word" from my boy, mike...holla!) i'm figuring, since they're not cutting anyone, i don't have to be a student to participate. right? right. in addition, i've been complaining about needing to take classes but not having the money. this company operates pretty much so like any other company of which i've been a part; you continually take classes while piling rehearsals on top of class schedules when performances are approaching yata yata. so, i can get some free classes outta the deal. even if they turn out to be not-so-challenging, i can move around in some nice studio space for free. right? right.

NOW...all that said, can i just set the scene fo' ya? thaaannks. right so, all the chil'rens in this audition have the sloppy, sorority girl ponytails, nude tights, short shorts with "dance" across the ass, and using the word "like" between every pertinent word of their sentences. ugh! anywho, no one gets cut at these auditions and all levels are welcome. fine. that's beautiful to be all-inclusive and what not. but how can you effectively "place" folks if you haven't given material to reflect the varying levels of skill that you've solicited. in each audition installment i attended (tap, modern, & "hip-hop"), the choreography was very basic, very beginner (MAYBE intermediate at best). this is turning into the longest set-up of my life so i'll just cut to the chase... i placed in advanced modern (okay technique displayed) and advanced "hip-hop" (lawd... that mess of an audition is another entry altogether... lmao. just picture "bring it on" classified as hip-hop. n-e-wayssss) get this... a bitch was placed in beginner tap!!! wtf?!?! i'm a fucking tapping, beastly genious! (lol) okay... so i'm not nearly anything like that but i don't think i'm THAT much of a novice :\ this 'ography that they made us do at the audition was straight Rockettes (less the kicks, turns, complexity and all-around entertainment value) and they placed me in the beginner class. why did i email the president of the company and say:

"(president):

I attended the dance company auditions this weekend. I just looked at the posted placements and I'm interested in attending a different class than the one in which I was placed. In particular, I was placed in beginner tap. However, I'm more interested in taking the advanced class. Should I just attend the class that I prefer or do I need to audition again?

Thanks,
Chantele"

Everyone, meet the diplomatic, politicin', wanna save face at work chantele. now, SW philly chantele may have executed said correspondence as follows:

*tap tap tap on (president)'s shoulder... pointing at the posted placement sheet*

"um... bitch please! where the hell the advanced class at b'fo' i have ta slap'shit out of you?"

and you damn right i woulda left some words, verbs, and conjugations out! (lol) WHAT?!?!

we'll see how it goes down and imma keep you guys posted about how my stint with the student dance co is going. there's soooo much more to this story that i can't even type right now. i'm blown just thinking about it all over again.

favorite question (posed to me) of the weekend: "are you a freshman cause i've never seen you around before?"

at least i can still be mistaken for an 18 yr old :\

laterrrrs

lmfao!

"they ain't got a smidge percentage of the diva stank (in a good way!) you got. [they] smells it on ya :) "

-one of the infamous "3D" (i ain't been inducted yet...lol)

wanna know what is...

obnoxious: popping gum and/or chewing with your mouth open... ugh!
priceless: long hugs
expensive: GAS!
tasty: chocolate gelati
annoying: arrogance, insubordination (damn you, herman), negative energy
sexy: confidence
admirable: strength and humility are tied (in my opinion)

just things that moved me in one direction or another today.

bises

don't sleep on the kid

so the jury (namely, me) is back on b's "b'day". i never expect much lyrically from her. there are some bangers though if you can get past the fact that she talks about her financial status the whole time. one main theme i'm feeling though (especially these days) is the notion of the single, self-sufficient, collar-poppin, modern chick doin the damn thing! (i have to high-five her on that one) anyone who knows me in the least bit knows... i ain't THAT chick... but i'm workin on it. the message is reassuring and motivating and all that good stuff. much like india was my solace a few months ago... this joint right here'll have a bitch noddin' her head like, "damn shame... i (amongst others) was sleepin on myself." remember that post from a minute back ("uh anh...") when i was so "derailed"? well, a broad's on the road to getting back on her a-game... making herself... well... herself again. stay tuned.

"takin' care of home and still fly... that's a good look..."
-bk

truth: i swear we musta co-wrote #10

pssst... thanks d-n. i hear ya voice in my head whenever i feel like i ain't "enough".

...

(you know how i do) so, here's my random-esque-ness for the week:

• i'm having a blast
• i think my brother is the CUTEST thing ever
• i miss my mom... go figure
• did i mention i'm having a blast?
• excitement about (dare i say it) the new house is setting in
• got my birfday shoes on today
• i must admit that i will purchase beyonce today :\
• i have an overwhelming hankering for italian today (lol)... y not?
• is it me, or is it hot in this office today? i'm betting the former :P (buaahaha...not!)
• i haven't had rita's in like a week! wtf
• i had a very interesting debate about abortion with my roomates last night. didn't realize how much my perspective has evolved since i last debated the topic...back in high school when i was a rallying, bra-burning, bleeding liberal.

maybe later...

going home

i had the best time last night. sidebar: lately, i've been really thinkin' i'm grown and stayin out later than usual on nights that i normally wouldn't. but rest assured, providence gives me a swift kick in the ass the next morning as a reminder that i ain't the young, whipper-snapper i once was (lol). anyways, i spent the evening with lots of pinot grigio, yummy vittles, great music, and (virtually) divine company. oh... it was awesome! the plan for the rest of the weekend is to stay pretty busy and ultra entertained. it's been a minute since i had some what of a social life. didn't realize how much i missed hopping from town to town, one circle of friends to another... fun fun fun with all the kindsa lovin mixed in. i wish i had my darned camera to give you guys the recap on monday. shoot! but, alas, it's packed away at "the house" (as i so affectionately call it).

randomness for the day...

i love my doggie. i kiss his forehead (for lack of a better term), scratch his belly, and take things out of his mouth that he's not suppose to be eating (just like a friggin baby man!). i like his stinky, outside, wet dog smell. i love when he rests his head on my foot while i'm in the middle of doing something and i don't wanna move cause he's so "stinkin cute" (damn you, bee). the heavy sigh is hilarious... like he's really been doing something besides sleeping and eating all day (lol). i wish i could see him everyday :\ i'm so afraid he will forget who i am one day. *my heavy sigh*

why oh why

(these are the questions i found myself asking myself today...)

10:37 am
...did this lady come to my desk smelling like absorbine jr. and jean nate?? pew/pugh
...the hell did i go to gay bingo last night... and have fun?!?! (the number caller dude was the most hilarious queen... but then again... what queens aren't funny?)
11:16
...do i seriously like that "fergie ferg" song? it really is a banger isn't it?!

preach!

"This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I'm made of stone
So I won't end up with no broken bones
I can't fight every battle alone

I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard

If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song

whomever said love was overrated
must not be gettin' none
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin' day is done
I just want to come home to someone

I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard

If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song"

oddest thing

lately, i've been waking up at obscene hours in the morning. i'll be in a nice, deep sleep... i'll rollover to adjust... and BAM... the thoughts start plowing through my head and they just won't freakin quit! i mean i'm wide awake thinking about all the drama & chaos that consumes me these days. i'm stressin' about work and home and occasionally random thoughts make their way into the mix. anyhow, i'm up for hours on end and that shit is a major blower when you have to get up at 6 am for work! it's been going on for like two weeks... saturdays and sundays too! one morning this past week i was so wide awake that i friggin blogged at 6:02 am! wtf?!?!? maybe this is an overshare and a half but i have a fool proof way to get some quick shut eye when all else fails ;P lol...

while i complain about the idle time, it does serve as a good time to reflect uninterrupted. i usually do A LOT of reflecting in my car to, fro', and about. but my road rage is outta control and all it takes is for one asshole to piss me off and the reflection period goes out the window and i'm blown for the remainder of the commute. but early morning reflection is therapy at times. just two days ago i realized how rare it is that i tell those really important people in my life how much they mean to me. wednesday morning's installment won my aunt lynn a 5 am email gushing about how unbelievably awesome i think she is. i mean, i'm in the dark, crust in my eyes, breath stankin' typing a mushy email to her thanking her for being in my life. it was peace.

so, everybody watch out... if you suddenly get random correspondence (be it email, text, voice message, or straight up phone call) at 4 am in the near future... let this serve as your warning :\ at least you'll understand why and just MAYBE you won't curse me the hell out! (lol)


mwah!

i like/love...

hugs from behind coupled with soft neck kisses
edy's cookie dough ice cream
watching my mom-mom hand dance to "jimmy mack" with my uncle
a gentle hand on my knee when we're riding in the car
stilettos... stilettos... and more stilettos (lol)
when my little sister calls me to shoot the shit
when my little brother acts like he doesn't care that i've come home to visit
jane monheit (that white girl can blow)
when a man is a man and takes care of his (or someone else's) kids
women
occasional solitude
other pisces
(admittedly) compliments... even though they make me uncomfortable. weird right?
macaroni and cheese
unconditional love
my new mac (uber cute)
the scent behind your partner's ear
spooning
conscious hip-hop
rosa passos
(omg) surprises!!!!!
(to be continued)

in other news... one of my best friends is initiating an artistic movement y'all! and..... she's asked me to be a part of the executive counsel (so to speak). talk about humbled, honored, and flattered all in one! i'll keep you posted about said movement as more details unfold. but, rest assured, i'm mad excited. "boosted" even (for my pg heads). she's gonna absolutely hate me for putting her on blast but f-it... she can't beat me! okay, maybe she can but still... i'm grown and imma do it anyway. PLUS, i just happen to think she's brilliant... check her out!

butting up against anger (...finally)

i'm developing a "zero tolerance" for folks that cower and lie and/or mislead others. no matter the mechanism; be it by omission, direct deceit, or the like. i just can't stand it!!! tell me the fucking truth! don't lie to me! don't hide from me! don't play me or others against one another (yourself included)... ya know?!?!

i guess my short-coming is the fact that my personal governance deems everyone 200% trustworthy until they show me otherwise. but that only seems to get me knocked sideways most of the time. i HATE being blind-sided/sighted (??). i HATE it! i DON'T like being unprepared for things. i DON'T like loosing my footing. and i especially DON'T like it when folks know that about me and prey on the shit. while i live my life being accommodating and trying to find the good in folks and being so concerned with the well-being of others... don't push me.

holla back, "bitch"

p.s. i'm still groovin, y'all. don't worry.

"i don't talk about whippin' nobody's ass 'til the bridge."

life is...

good. i'm chillin. still an emotional work i progress but learning, healing and all that jazz. i'm pretty excited about recent events but i'm a super cynic and i hate getting excited about or talking about things before they actually come to fruition for fear that they may not. but, keep your fingers crossed out there for me :) i do ask a lot of you guys in doing so but i need all the positivity i can get. let me know if i can ever return the favor for you!

mmmm.... i think that's all i got today. i need to speak on the times that i'm feeling groovy just as often as the times that i'm not, dig?

peace be your day

who knew?!?!

note to self:

black folks CAN & DO peel after direct, prolonged exposure to the sun (i.e. deliberate tanning)

end note

i had...

an amazing time this weekend. omg! absolutely phenomenal.

you'd think i spent the entire weekend in the turks and caicos or something. NO! i did an overnight trip to o.c. maryland. big woop, right? oh... you don't know the half. it took me 4.5 hours to get from bmore to ocean city! traffic was off the chain. at any rate, i met my family down there and i haven't seen this part of my fam for a minute let alone spent that much time with them. we used to go to o.c. all the time when i was a kid so it was so nostalgic to be there with them again after years of hiatus. it was so amazing because it was just so comfortable... overwhelmingly familiar. since i moved back to md 4 years ago, i just have had such a disconnect between who i am and where i live. i'm such a philly girl... my whole family is still there and i just miss it soooo much. i've never truly been able to settle into a life here. ask kai and mikeSee how often i used to rip up 95 on the weekends (lol). i actually found comfort and "home" for a sec in my relationship. that became my familiar comfort zone away from home. now that that's dissolved, i feel so homeless again and it makes me sick to my stomach. but this weekend made me sooooo happy cause i got to have a smidgen of comfort and familiarity. i was so sad to leave them and i cried damn near the whole ride back to bmore. but, i was so thankful to love a group of people so much and so grateful to know that that "familiar" will always be there for and in me.

so "great weekend" is an understatement. bonus: i got a tan! hot damn!

crossin' over?

alright so i think i'm about to make the switch, y'all! no... not in the way you think! that'll never change for the most part ;) i mean i'm thinking of getting a mac. i'm really feeling the macbook. i never thought in a million years that i'd be that enticed by the aesthetics and practicality of mac to switch from the ever-freezing, virus-prone pc. but alas, i'm pretty sure it will be my fall gift to myself.

there... i've officially delivered my random thought for the day.

mwah!

for my women's lib and "famlee" sistas...

how cute is this?!?! A friend of mine sent this to me in an email and it was a knee slapper. cheers!

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little girls:

Once upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes , bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so.

anybody...

...know who's gonna be at september's jazzy summer nights in bmore?? anyone wanna go?

i haven't heard live music in a while and i think it'll be refreshing *sigh*

blast from the past (this that ish i be talkin' 'bout)

almost a year ago to the day, i received this email (from my subscription of the Daily Om) in my inbox. funny how i stumbled across it today in the midst. happy reading :)

"While we may not recognize it at the time, every challenge we face is ultimately an opportunity to bring more love and higher consciousness into our lives. The obstacles we encounter every day - whether great trials or minor bumps in the road - provide us an opportunity to learn and to grow. By placing obstacles in our path, the universe focuses our attention on life lessons that, on a deeper level, we wish to comprehend more fully. If we choose to, we can view any disharmony in our daily lives as an invitation to shed an old belief or behavior pattern in favor of a more enlightened one. The challenge is to recognize the lesson being offered by a given situation. Often we learn about a positive quality by experiencing its opposite. An impulse toward anger may teach us about love or acceptance. A sense of constraint may teach us about freedom. A situation that appears beyond our control may prompt us to discover our own role in its creation. The lessons presented to us may encourage us to develop soul qualities such as humility, patience, or forgiveness. Sometimes we are too involved in our present difficulty to find that higher perspective is more easily recognized in hindsight. Yet this doesn't mean we are without the tools to deal with it. Regardless of the size and nature of your difficulty, an attitude of love and gratitude will move you through it more easily and bring resolution more quickly. When difficulties arise, hold a loving thought for yourself and for whoever else is involved. Challenge yourself to find something in the situation to be grateful for, no matter how small, and thank the universe for it. This shift in attitude will shift the situation and your perspective, and it will bring you closer to that deeper understanding your soul is seeking on your behalf. Life lessons don't always come packaged the way we expect them to, and it is sometimes these lessons that ultimately bring us the greatest joy."

from the Daily Om 09/06/05

no title

okay i promise... one day my posts won't be so melancholy. but, i'm using this space as an outlet for my <fill in the noun form of an emotion> in which i'm currently living.

anyhow... as much as i rant and rave and praise duality when everything is smooth sailing, i should at least be consistent and praise it just the same when life isn't going "my way." but alas, i found myself cursing it this morning. i guess it was just my turn to get the other side of the coin. it's gonna be hard but i'm gonna have to just endure this, find purpose in it, accept it so that in due time i will enjoy the moon's other phases. underdig? or, am i lunchin'?

in other news... the suggestion has been thrown out there for me to find "distraction." while i agree in part ... i feel like distraction will just displace what i need to experience right now (no matter how negative the experience may be). displacing doesn't mean the feelings go away... they just get set aside and who wants this crap lingering around idle? i'd rather get it out of the way...wouldn't you? now let me define distraction as it's been advertised to me. I could start dancing again, take up a hobby, or fill my social calendar to the brim. and then there's the proverbial rebound/void-filler option. Now, dancing i could stand to get into again. that's totally constructive and i love to do it so why not? hobbies are just not my thing. can you see me knitting or some shit like that? hell-to-tha-naw, bobby! and i've never really been one to have this jumpin social life but maybe it's time i make an effort.

one thing i'm NOT interested in is the rebound option.

• for one, i just lost an amazing chunk of what my life has been for the past 4 years. duh! if you sliced your hand open and there's a big gaping (sp?) cut, you don't just fill it with apple butter (cause you just tasted some, you remember lunchtime in kindercare, and you really love the nostalgia of it) and wait for it to get better. dummy... you want it to heal not get infected and fall off! to me, sounds like your prolonging the ordeal (i.e. the pain of loss)
• second off, how fair is it to the reboundee to get caught up in my bullshit by putting themselves out there on account of me when i have no other motive than to use them as a distraction? there's this notion that as long as everyone in the group is aware of what's going on that it's cool. nah! not buyin today.
• and c) frankly the idea repulses me. i've tried to imagine myself getting close to/intimately involved with another and it makes me want to puke. i'm still dealing and "in-loving" and what-if-ing and (admittedly) still too attached. it feels like cheating almost. ugh!

i say all that to say... i know nothing definitively... i have no concrete course of action planned... there's no method i endorse. i guess i'm just gonna be and see what happens.

p.s. while i know it's part of my journey to maturity... i sure hate this wearing your emotions on the outside shit. i know one day i'll come to appreciate it and be unapologetic for it but right now, it's for the f-ing birds!

i'm...

inside out today. that's the only way i know how to describe myself.

whew!

you all will never believe the morning i've been having. finally a breakthrough!!

one thing that was no different than any other morning of recent weeks... i cried. but, for a change, this time i was elated! i mean really overjoyed. i could finally see light peeking at me from the future. i mean, it ain't close but the fact that i could see it filled me with so much relief and i took (what felt like) the biggest sigh of my life. for a split few seconds (lol) i wasn't bitter, i wasn't sad, i wasn't judgmental or resentful. i was so grateful for being me and doing me the way i do and i wasn't sorry in the least bit! it was so amazing.

now... i'm far from healed and i don't have all the resolve i'll have in months to come. but, i could see the tide going back out. you know when it's like 5:32 in the morning and the sun is JUST making it over the horizon and the sand is still wet from when the tide came in full-force the night before? my sand is still wet and there's evidence that hurt/sadness/whatever has left its mark... but the pain is subsiding. the quiet is deafening and the water is receding and relaxed. aw, man! tell me that ain't peace, y'all!

i'm finding gratitude and i'm thanking order for allowing me the opportunity to

• give so much without expecting
• be more honest and authentic than i've ever been before
• loving so completely and unconditionally

the next time i fall imma close my eyes and hold my arms out just the same.

uh anh... no she didn't!

so, just as i was well on my way to loving the skin i'm in... damnit if providence doesn't give me the f-ing finger! wtf?!?!

i'm cruising along, living everyday relishing in the fact that i'm transitioning in to the woman i'm going to become and wwf smackdown (or whatever the hell it's called) ensues. i'm tryna learn humility, optimism, and the perfect balance between self-love and selflessness and i tripped up and let someone else completely derail my journey. i mean... did they not know i was on a journey? could they not see how much of a groove i had going on? i'm talkin the snap your fingers/doin the snake kinda groove. or was it that i couldn't recognize the train charging at me from the opposite direction before the head-on collision occurred (sidebar: has anyone ever watched "seconds from disaster" on the discovery channel? on the real... i'm making my own episode as we friggin speak...i digress). damnit... i fell off my "A" game once again.

are we "supposed" to do that?!?! is that part of the plan? perhaps. i just gotta understand and accept it i guess. but my head hurts, my eyes are puffy, and i have rosco snot on my face so ration is not one of my strong suits right now so lesson learned... UNcheck. my head is cloudy and emotion is my governance right now and we all know that never makes for a good installment.

i'm searching for reassurance... any out there? can anybody hear me? so the f*@k what if you can't... imma scream at the top of my lungs any damn way.

PISSED

just wrote y'all this, long drawn out update and friggin lost it!